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Transcript:Eggs Benefits
Max: *exhales* I love Saturdays. No scheduled activities. No annoying campers. And best of all, no David or Gwen telling us what to do. Nikki: Yeah, I hate it when they do that. If I hear them say "Nikki, get down from there" or "Nikki don't eat that bug" or "Nikki that's an endangered-species" ONE MORE TIME. Neil: It's just nice to have a break from all the weird hijinks and wacky adventures. I >almost Aaaa- *chokes* ...Almost. Nikki: Oh sure, YOU get to eat all the bugs you want. Neil: Hmmm. That's queer. Max: Don't say that, Neil. Neil: Where did this egg come from? Nikki: A chicken? Or does the egg come first? Max: Who cares? It's just an egg. Nikki: Look! There's another! And another! It's an egg trail! Max: Guys! Don't mess with it. It's probably something that will trigger a series of events that will, on the whole, be an interesting and comedic adventure, but ultimately waste our Saturday. Neil: Max is right, Nikki. Let's leave it alone Max: God damn it. Nikki: Oooh man, I hope it's a dinosaur! Platypus: Muack! Nikki: Awwww, the platypus is gonna be a mama! It's the miracle of life. Platypus: mUACk Neil: Life is disgusting. Max: Well, good thing it's just a platypus. I guess our Saturday is safe after all. Cameron: Right on time. I see a cash machine- I mean, lovable pet has produced some eggs! Nikki: Ooh! What are we gonna do with them? Watch them hatch? Cook breakfast? Cameron: No, no, not at all. You're all going to- Max: Don't tell us we're taking care of the eggs until they hatch. Cameron: Take care of the eggs until they hatch! Neil: Well, shit. Max: Why'd I open my big mouth? Platypus: Muack! OOOOOOOOHHH There's a place I know that's tucked away, A place where you and I can stay, Where we can go to laugh and play, And have adventures every day! I know it sounds hard to believe but guys and gals, it's true! Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! We'll swim through lakes and climb up trees, Catch fish, bugs, bears and honeybees, There's endless possibilities, AND NO, THAT'S NOT HYPERBOLE! Our motto's Campe Diem and that means I'm telling youuuuuuuuu~~ We've got: Archery, Hiking, Search-and-Rescue, Biking, Horseback, Training that will save you from a heart-attack, Scuba-diving, Miming, Football, Limbo, Science, Stunting, Pre-calc, Spaceships, Treasure Hunting, Bomb defusal, No refusal, Fantasy, Circus Trapeze, and Fights and Ghosts and Paints and Snakes and Knives and Chess and Dance and Weights! It's Camp Camp! David: All right! Bonus activity day! I hope you kids are as excited as I am to be working on a Saturday! Cameron: Whoa Davey, I wouldn't go around calling this work. We don't need any child labor allegations thrown our way! Again. This doesn't count as overtime either. Max: Why are you making us do this? Cameron: Well, Mitchell, you see These eggs are much too valuable to let some dumb animal take care of I would probably lose it. Or eat it! Platypus: Muack! Neil: That's not how- Cameron: Plus! The USDA is really cracking down on biosecurity. Soooo... If any "government official" asks, This is an innocent camp activity with these eggs we just happened to find! Nikki: We did just happen to find them. Cameron: Exactly. Gwen: Mr. Campbell. What's so special about these eggs anyway? Cameron: Well... between you and me There is a bit of unrest back in Thailand. Some baseless accusation of me embezzling all their money. You know. The usual. Gwen: Did you embezzle all their money? Cameron: AHAHAaaa, anyway! The Russians are offering to help out, but you never want to owe a debt to those guys. So I'm trying to take care of the whole thing myself by selling off these bad boys. David: Golly! Are platypus babies really that valuable? Cameron: They better be. David: All right, camperinos. We're gonna pair you up so you'll each get to take care of an egg until it hatches! Neil: *Groans* Neil: Is it too late to change who we're paired with? David: You know it! Campbell: Now, since we only have six eggs, We'll need you kids to be very... Careful with them. *Splat* Ohhhh... That one hurts. To reiterate, Be. Very. Careful! You kids can have fun playing pretend! See, one dad and one- Uh, what are you? Nerris: Though technically human female, I prefer to identify as elf-kin. Campbell: God, I hate this generation. Nurf: Ugh! This is stupid! I don't wanna take care of some dumb egg. Nurf: My sweet boy... Campbell: Alright then, kids, don't screw this up! Well, this'll be easy. Let's just leave it in a box and get back to enjoying our Saturday. Nikki: What!? We can't do that, Max! This is OUR egg. We have to take care of it and let it know we'll always be here no matter what. Max: Huh? Nikki: Yeah, I don't know what's going on in my lower parts, but it's making me want to nurture the heck out of this thing! Let's go! Space Kid: Aw, come on Neil! I just want to hold it for a second! Neil: Space kid, NO! We we're given this HUGE responsibility, and I'm not gonna let you screw it all up! Space Kid: But I want to show it the sky, and the stars, and the Moon! Our egg can't experience the wonders of space from under here! Neil: The egg can look at pictures of the damn Moon for all I care! Or maybe not. Pictures have sharp corners, and they could it pierce his delicate outer shell. *whispers* I'll protect you... Nikki: Boy, Max. I don't know how to nurture the heck out of this egg. Is loving it enough, or do I need to feed it, too? Max: We could just send it to a summer camp and have strangers take care of it for three months. Nikki: Don't be silly, Max. That's an awful idea! Erid: Cool. Dolph: Our kleines egg is going to be the coolest artist/pro-skater who ever lived! Nikki: Ooh! We could be the cool parents like Erid and Dolph! If our egg hangs out with theirs, it can be popular! Max: I don't think I need to remind you that these are eggs, and not, in fact, actual children. But I'm going to anyway. Preston: Dolph, I am LOVING the style of your egg! It is so fierce! Dolph: Danke, Preston! Nurf: Hey, Preston. How about you give some praise to Nurf Jr. over here before you give him an inferiority complex. I will not have our boy caught up in a cycle of hate and negative emotions, damn it! Preston: Nurf Jr.? Who decided on that? Nurf: THAT IS NOT PRAISE, PRESTON! Not in front of the child. We will talk about this later. Erid: Alright, little shredder, time for your first backside heel flip. Neil: What are you doing!? Your egg is not wearing the proper safety equipment for that! It needs a helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, pad pads! Erid: Don't sweat it, nerd kid. Little Shredder is a free spirit. Dolph: Ya, we will not constrain our egg to the shackles of an overprotective society. We're the cool parents. Dolph: Oh... Erid: A-ho! Wipeout! Campbell: *Gasp* That's strange. I suddenly feel... less rich! Nikki: Drink up now, so you can grow up to be big and strong! Max: *Groans* I don't get it, Max. If playing it fast and loose like the cool kids isn't the right way to raise our egg, then what is? Max: Nikki, you just spilled milk all over it and now you're patting an egg. The only thing you're raising is questions. Nikki: You're right. I think it's ready for solids. Max: *Sighs* Harrison: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you for the first time ever... the Amazing Omle! Preston: Isn't this fun, Nurf? Nurf: I work hard everyday, and the one afternoon I have off you drag me to some stupid magic show? Preston: Work? What do you mean? We're just campers- Nurf: Oh, so now you're disrespecting me!? Preston: No! I would never! Nurf: I cannot believe you right now. You know how I get when I'm angry. Preston: I remember... Nerris: What in the Seven Kingdoms is going on here!? Harrison: Oh! Nerris, I thought you were reapplying the glue to your stupid fake ears. Nerris: Is THIS what you do with our egg when I'm not around!? We agreed that Eggolas the Ivory Mage was going to focus on his incantations! Harrison: Yes, I know. But I only said that so you'd leave. Omle wants to be a magician when he grows up. Just look at how much fun he's having! Nerris: Eggolas can't waste time doing dumb magic tricks if he's going to grow up to be a successful Dungeon Master like me. Harrison: *Disturbed* How dare you! Omle's tricks are not dumb! Look, he can already do this- Omle/Eggolas: *vanishes* Nikki: *gasp* Max! Our egg can't do amazing tricks like disappear. Max: I beg to differ. Nikki: No, I mean it's falling behind already! We should push it towards a good career, like a garbage man or a luchador! Nerris: Harrison! Bring Eggolas back right this instant! Harrison: Oh, but Nerris, you dumb fool. He's been here the whole time and is perfectly f- Okay, don't be mad- Nerris: Eggolas! Capmbell: Yeah, I'm just saying make sure the guy looks like me. I mean they gotta think it's... ME! *Groans* My mouth tastes weird. Neil: Look at those awful parents out there. It's no wonder this world is in such a state. Space Kid: Hey Neil? Can we go play with everybody else? It's lonely over here. Neil: You don't want to be near those people, Space Kid! They're reckless! Dangerous! Over here, everyone is safe and happy. Space kid: Well, can I at least hold the egg now? Neil: I already put your pen inside THIS pen. Relationships are built on compromise. Max: Hey Neil. Boy, this whole egg thing sure is stupid, huh? Neil: WOAHHHOHO KAY! I think that's close enough, Max. Max: Really? You too? Why do you care so much about this? Neil: I don't know. I just- I see a lot of myself in this egg. It's so small and fragile. I must protect it at all costs. Nikki: Max! There you are. It's your turn to change the egg's diaper! We should not have started feeding it solids. Max: As you can see, I'm the only one who hasn't lost their mind over this. Nikki: Oh, we're just trying to be the best parents we can be, Max. Everything's perfectly fine. Preston: Yes! Everybody: *Gasps* Everything is perfectly fine, isn't it? Max: Jesus, Preston what the fuck happened to you? Preston: Oh, nothing. Just tripped and fell into a doorknob a few times. It was my fault, really. Anyway, I was wondering if you had a cup of sugar I could borrow, please. Nurf: PRESTON!!! Preston: Yes, Nurf. What is it? Nurf: Oh, THERE you are. What are you doing over here? Nikki: I think he was asking for help? Harrison: -UH, HELP MAKING THAT CAKE YOU MENTIONED YOU LIKE FOR DESSERT! I just need some sugar and then a few eggs- Nurf: *GASP* How could you even mention using eggs in front of Nurf Jr. You know what!? I am trying to set a good example for our egg, Preston! And I need you to work with me on this! I will not have him grow up in a broken household like his father So if I hear anymore talk of "I'm leaving you", or "Ohh you're scaring me" or anything like that, I'm going to really lose it! Preston: Nurf, I- Nurf: NO! SAVE IT! WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS LATER AFTER I EAT THAT CAKE. In the mean time, I'm gonna take Nurf Jr. away, so he isn't exposed to any more domestic issues. Wha-? Nikki: It's a note! Max: Wha? "Dear parents, I could not take being raised in such conditions any longer and decided to run away to a better life. I hope you two can work things out, if not for me, then for each other. Love, Nurf Jr?" He ran away? Max: HE RAN AWAY!? Nurf: OH GOD, I'M A HORRIBLE PARENT! Preston: You really are, Nurf. Campbell: No, sir. That was definitely me you spoke with today. Yes, I do insist on having a convertible for the parade. Swiss bank account! Ugh. What are those darn kids doing!? Nurf: Oh! Nurf: Our boy, our beautiful boy! Nikki: You see, Max? This is why we have to figure out the best way to raise our egg. And we better do it fast because at this rate, our egg is gonna be the only one left. Neil: We'll see about that... Go away! Max: Jesus, chill out Neil. It's not like you can hover over this thing for it's entire incubation period. Neil: The hell I can't! I'm in this for the long haul, baby! You think my job's done after this thing hatches? He's gonna be homeschooled! He's gonna wear a baby leash! A BABY LEASH, MAX! Because infant creatures are only good at one thing, And that's finding the fastest way to kill themselves the moment you let them out of your sight! Space kid: Can I hold the egg now, Neil? Neil: NO! NONE OF YOU CAN! Because none of you know what's best for this egg like I do! I will keep it close forever! Because I'm the only one who can love it the way it needs to be loved! Well, I'm sure this is some kind of poignant metaphor. Cameron: Kids! What the heck are you doing out here!? My blood pressure is through the roof! Nikki: I have no idea what I'm doing, that's the problem! Cameron: What? Max: Yeah, there's only one egg left. Cameron: WHAT?! Nikki: It's all terrible! I don't know what's right, I don't know what's wrong, I just know that I'm SCARED- AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! Max: Nikki! Calm down! It's like I told you, none of this matters! Nobody knows what they're doing when they're taking care of something too dumb to take care of itself! There is no right way of doing any of this. How do you think we turned out so fucked up? Nikki: OH GOD! NOW IT'S BREAKING! Neil: No! It's hatching! Baby Platypus: *Muack* Max, Neil, and Nikki: Awwww... Cameron: Finally, whew! Thanks to you kids, the prime minister of Thailand lives to see another day. Max: Wow, Nikki. Thanks for getting us through this. You know, sometimes, life is beautiful. Baby Platypus: *wasted* Platypus: *Muak* Neil: No, it's not. Campbell: Well, kids. That's why you always have a plan B. Take out the body double. None of you saw me here. Dasvidaniya, campers! Max: Fucking waste of a Saturday. Category:Transcripts